the littlest notebook

45 minutes!

I am especially proud of Ian today. He lasted 45 minutes in Sunday preschool! This may not seem like a lot, but it is a big deal if you are a two-year-old toddler grappling with identity issues, and vacillating between wanting out and craving the security of family. As on some days, I greeted him this morning by asking him what day of the week it was. Once he heard it was Sunday, he started to cry. He dreads being left behind with the other little boys and girls when CW and I have to leave for service at church. And he knew that was coming.

When we arrived at church, Ian was a little more cheerful but wary and teary-eyed. We brought him to the toddler’s room, and let him play by himself for a bit, all the while trying to blend into the wallpaper. Ian is not stupid; he kept close to us, knowing we might disappear at any moment. So it was inevitable having to bid goodbye to him. Thankfully, the teachers at Sunday preschool are super understanding and encouraging. They swooped in and tried to play with him when they saw the tears at gush-point. Ms T, Ian’s favorite teacher, carried him to the clock and started pointing out the numbers on the clockface. That took his attention while we slipped off.

We got a pager from across the room, and waited to be paged. Ian barely lasted ten minutes last week, so we kept expecting the pager to buzz. I prayed for him to have courage and to know Jesus was near all through the praise session at service. Minutes passed. Then half-an-hour. CW checked to see if the pager was working. He also slipped out to see if our little boy was okay (CW is a real softie lah). He came back reporting that he seemed to be fine. We got Ms T’s page 15 minutes later, and I trotted out to meet Ian.

Ian was sobbing a little, trying to control himself. He was obviously halfway through snack-time as I could see goldfish crumbs on his lips. Ms T was talking to him, reassuring him that Mommy would come soon. He reached out for me when he saw me and immediately calmed down. The teacher said he did very well, that he tried to control himself although he would cry now and then. We both praised him for trying to be brave.

I went into the room with him and tried to be as inconspicuous as possible. I did my best to engage myself in an art-and-craft book on Bible stories, as Ian merrily pasted stickers, colored activity pages with crayons (everything was blue, his favorite color), and played with cars and shopping carts. He did glance from time to time to see if I was there. Other than that, he seemed perfectly happy to be left alone.

I know of kids who separate easily from their parents, and I do sometimes worry if Ian would have trouble going to preschool this year. But I will have to stop myself from wishing that he is something he is not. He is an individual who thinks and feels apart from me, and I have to respect his situation, even if (and because) I cannot understand it totally. By the grace of God, he will someday find friends and the joy of learning in school, and happily say bye-bye to us–and 45 minutes is as good a start as any.

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